Grief and mourning is frequently described as a process, and experiencing this process is unavoidable to move through the associated mourning and pain when we experience a loss.Many who experience a loss want life to simply go back to the way it used to be.The emotions associated with a loss makes the grieving process so unpleasant that one may want to ignore and “skip” the process in hopes of getting back to some sense of a “normal” life.And yet, try as one might to revert back to what is comfortable and familiar, it is not uncommon for a person to end up experiencing another form of loss – the disappointment of one’s former life not being restored.
The journey through grief and mourning can have a host of different outcomes.It is possible for one to undergo the grief process and be able to develop renewed strength and a new sense of vitality.On the other hand, it is also possible for a person to undergo the grief process and remain stuck and immersed in a sea of guilt, sorrow, anger, and despair.The outcome of the grieving process is ultimately dependent on how a person chooses to grieve and whether permission is given to experience one’s loss.
It is important that we have some understanding of the grieving process.It provides us with information regarding what to expect, what to be aware of, and equips us with knowledge and tools to assist us to best cope with the challenges we will inevitably face as we undergo this incredibly difficult journey.
A healthy journey through the grieving process can be described in terms of the 5 R’s described below: Recuperate, Remember, Reset, Rebuild, and Restore
Recuperate
When we lose a loved one, it is not uncommon to be focused on handling the various responsibilities that are associated with the loss – whether that be contacting family and friends, planning the funeral, making necessary arrangements, attending to estate related issues, handling of finances and bills, managing your loved one’s belongings, tending to his/her last wishes, etc.Many people find that they actually “prefer” remaining in this state, for remaining focused on “busy work” allows them to keep their mind occupied on everything other than the unpleasant emotions associated with grief.
And yet, by diverting our focus to other things that may require our attention, we begin to wear ourselves down physically, mentally, and emotionally.Therefore, recuperation in this context refers to making sure that we take good care of ourselves.Maintaining our health and well-being requires that we eat well, get enough sound and restful sleep, maintain appropriate hygiene, remain physically active through exercise and engagement in pleasurable activities, and obtain necessary medical and/or psychiatric attention for health related issues.
Do not be alarmed if you find that it is difficult at times to properly care for yourself, for being able to identify when you are struggling with caring for yourself and recognizing that you require assistance is vital to recuperating.There may be some of you who are so grief-stricken that simple day-to-day tasks, such as getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, and taking a shower becomes too difficult.However, part of recuperating involves maintaining our regular daily self-care routines, even if that means obtaining help from others to do such.
While it may be hard to reach out for help, make your health and well-being a priority and do not hesitate to seek assistance from family, friends, neighbors, community members, your church, health care organizations, support groups, etc.Unwillingness to ask for help will inevitably lead to detrimental physical, mental, and emotional consequences that can be disastrous, and will further complicate and prolong the grieving process.
And don’tforget the Lord’s healing power.Do not hesitate to lean on God and call out to Himfor the support and comfort that only He can provide.The Psalmist wrote, “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)
Hence, providing yourself with time to recuperate through rest, relaxation, providing appropriate self-care, and obtaining comfort from God is an essential first step in the grieving process.
Remember
It is not uncommon for people to occupy themselves with activities to prevent thoughts about the past from popping up. Many people do not want to spend any time remembering their loved one in fear of becoming overwhelmed by the uncomfortable sorrowful memories that serve as a constant reminder of the absence of the person.
However, being fully immersed in activities ends up being counterproductive to our personal development and detrimental to our health and well-being.The problem withcompletely blocking out the memory of our loved one is that we block out both the painful memories andthe pleasant and joyful memories we shared with the person.Thus, part of the healing process involves giving yourself permission to reflect on the special moments you shared with your loved one.
Do not be afraid of the notion of becoming “emotional,” crying, experiencing feelings of anger, resentment, pain, and deep sadness, as this is part of the healingprocess that simply cannot be avoided.Your loved one obviously meant a great deal to you, so it is natural to experience a host of strong emotions when recollecting times you’ve shared together.Therefore, it is recommended that you start off with taking at least 20 minutes per day to devote to reflecting and remembering your loved one.
Reset
Many of us would like to be able to press the “reset” button in hopes of avoiding any negative emotions and experiences associated with the loss of a loved one.The term “Reset” in this context is referring to objectively re-evaluating the thoughts that come to mind that impact our emotions and behaviors.Our emotions and actions can easily become clouded by the negative and irrational thoughts we may have.For some, irrational guilt keeps themstuck feeling miserable. Common irrational guilty thoughts include:
·“If only I was there this would not have happened;”
·“I should have known, for I could have done something to change things;”
·“If only I didn’t break the bad news to him about his health he would not have given up the will to live;”
·“If only I had not done __________ (fill in the blank) then she wouldn’t have died.”
Other examples of distorted thoughts mightinclude:
·Adopting a negative view towards God, of people, and life in general, which leads to increased anger, inappropriately directing blame and resentment towards others that may be associated with the loss; and
·Incessant worrying where the same thought is constantly replayed in one’s mind to the point of not being able to concentrate on anything else or make decisions.
Such irrational thinking perpetuates a host of negative emotions and may lead to behavior that is unbecoming, as well as uncharacteristic of us.So when you find that you are overwhelmed by guilt, your emotions start “taking over,” you continuously replay the same thoughts in your mind, you have difficulty concentrating and staying focused, or you have a hard time making decisions, it is time to take a step back to re-evaluate your thoughts.
Paul wrote in Romans 12:2: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind …”
He also wrote in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.”
When our mind starts to get the best of us, we need to shift our focus to God and allow the Holy Spirit to empower us and transform our mind so that it is filled with that which is acceptable to Him rather than allowing guilt and irrational thinking to separate us from Christ.
Rebuild
This phase of “Rebuilding” our lives after a loss involves putting our new mindset into action and looking at life from a new perspective.It is true that life will no longer be the same.However, this does not mean that life cannot be fruitful, meaningful, and full of purpose.When we rebuild our lives, we need to be mindful of the negative thoughts that pop into our mind and continuously evaluate whether such thoughts alienate us from being connected with God or whether they are indicative of the true Christian nature that our Lord Jesus Christ embodies.
Furthermore, the rebuilding of our lives requires us to look at life in the present and examine those areas that may have been neglected, such as our relationship with Christ, with family and friends, our involvement at work or church, as well as other social activities.This is a time to give thought to how to restructure these aspects of our life so that we can have more time to focus on them, and allow them to grow and develop.
Restore
As we begin to rebuild our lives after a loss, we start to see the colors in the world again – it is not as dark and gloomy as it once was.This is not to say that we will not experience moments of sadness.We probably will.However, during such times, being able to see the “clouds part” becomes more evident.The more we allow ourselves to be receptive to God’s word, the more adept we will be at being able to rebuild our life to the point of restoring our own personal identity and sense of purpose.We can live according to His design.We are not only equipped with a new mindset and outlook on life, we have allowed the Holy Spirit to impart renewed strength and vigor within us.We now have a tool bag filled with strategies that can be employed so that we do not revert back to and remain stuck in the old destructive habits of the past.We recognize the following:
·The better we take care of ourselves, the more healthy, productive, and happier we are;
·The various support systems that exist, whether that be family, friends, neighbors, church and/or community members, support groups, etc.;
·We can alter our mindset by focusing on the Lord through prayer, study and meditation of scripture; and
·We are able to reorganize our life to allow time for those activities we may have not given proper attention.
The holidays tend to be a time that really tests our strength and resolve.Therefore, the following are some things to pay particular attention to.An easy way to remember them is by the acronym P-E-M, which stands for Physical, Emotional, and Mental signs:
Physical signs:
·Sleep
Pay attention to any changes in your typical sleep patterns.You should be getting roughly 7 to 8 hours of sound, restful, uninterrupted sleep a night.
·Appetite
Pay attention to any changes in your eating habits.You should be eating three balanced meals or 4 to 6 small meals a day.
·Confusion
Pay attention to the development of signs of confusion, such as being unable to think clearly, unable to find your way around (even in familiar areas), and/or misunderstanding things that are being said.
·Lethargy
Pay attention to any changes in your energy level, such as if you are constantly feeling tired, weak, and worn out to the point of not wanting to engage in your normal activities.
·Physical discomfort
Pay attention to the development of any signs of physical discomfort, such as body aches and pains, stomach aches (unsettled stomach, feeling nauseated), and headaches.
·Sensitivity to sensory stimulation
Pay attention to any increases in sensitivity to sounds/noises, light, touch, etc. since the loss of your loved one.
·Any changes in your daily or weekly routines (i.e., going to church, having lunch with friends, etc.).
If you notice any changes in your sleep (sleeping more or les than you typically sleep), appetite (eating more or less than you typically eat), level of awareness, degree of energy, experience ongoing physical discomfort, or develop any unusual sensory sensitivity, it is recommended that you talk to your attending physician about these issues.
Emotional signs:
·Pay attention to increases in emotional signs, including: guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety, worry, fear, anger outbursts, irritability, withdrawing or isolating oneself from others and normal activities, feelings of loneliness, feelings of hopelessness, and loss of purpose.
·Pay attention to decreases in the following: sense of self-esteem; decreased libido (sex drive).
·Resorting to vices to help “numb/dull the pain,” including: increased alcohol consumption, drug use, consumption of food, noted increase in the amount of sleep, increased need for medication, increased frequency of gambling, increasingly isolating oneself when things become too hectic/frenzied, etc.
·Pay attention to increased sensitivity to specific issues that have some association to the loss of your loved one, such as: not wanting others to touch or help you donate your loved one’s belongings, noted hostility towards doctors because your loved one underwent an operation, feeling immense sorrow when others around you are happy and enjoying themselves, etc.
If you notice any increases in emotional signs, decreases in self-esteem, libido, resorting to vices, and increased sensitivity to issues associated with your loss, it is recommended that you talk to your attending physician about these issues if you find that they are debilitating or prolonged, and discuss the possibility of a referral to a mental health specialist (i.e., Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Pastor, Spiritual Advisor, Grief Counselor, etc.).
Mental signs:
·Pay attention to increased degrees of confusion, decreased ability to concentrate, difficulty remembering things, noted difficulty making decisions, and nightmares that impair one’s ability to obtain restful sleep;
·Pay attention to a decreased sense of motivation and desire to do things; and
·Pay attention to an increased sense of hopelessness and/or loss of direction in life.
If you notice the presence of any of these mental signs, it is recommended that you talk to your attending physician about these issues if you find that they are debilitating or prolonged, and discuss the possibility of a referral to a mental health specialist (i.e., Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Pastor, Spiritual Advisor, Grief Counselor, etc.).
As mentioned in the section discussing “Recuperate,” there are a number of practical things that can be done to ease some of the burden you may experience.The following is list of practical strategies that can be applied during the joyous, yet stressful time of the holidays.
Structuring your days so that you have time to rest:
·Don’t overburden yourself with too many chores;
oDelegate tasks that can be done by others;
oTake time to plan and prepare for the day;
oCreate a check list with due dates;
oSet small and realistic short-term goals for the day – then move on to setting goals for the next week;
·Structure the decision making process
oPrioritize all the decisions you have to make in order of importance
oCreate a list of the various decisions you are having difficulty with
oDetermine which decisions can be delegated to others
oList all the pros and cons of the decisions you are having to make
Rest
·Get an appropriate amount of rest
·Practice relaxation techniques to decrease stress level (i.e., deep breathing, yoga, guided imagery, etc.)
Get an appropriate amount of exercise
·Engage in some form of exercise at least 30 minutes 5 days a week.Walking is great exercise with no cost, and no need to go to a specialized location.
Don’t be hard on yourself when you experience emotions
·Give yourself permission to experience the emotions, tears, sadness, and joy
·Enjoy and take pleasure in the small things
oAllow yourself to engage in laughter, remembering wonderful times
Surround yourself with your support group
·Make a list of whom you can go to and talk with when certain issues come up
·Don’t isolate or cut yourself off from family and friends
·Continue to engage in your activities of worship (i.e., going to church, participating in a Bible study group, etc.)
There are also things we can do to pay tribute to your loved one that can also help us through the grieving process:
·Create a list of pleasant memories and have other family members and friends do the same that can be shared with one another;
·Put together a scrapbook of your favorite pictures that can be shared with others;
·Create a list of your loved one’s favorite activities and engage in some of the selected activities with the family in memory of your loved one;
·Create an ornament in memory of your loved one to hang on your loved one’s headstone and/or on the Christmas tree;
·Create a personal trivia game composed of facts of interest related to your loved one and have the family play the game (akin to Trivial Pursuit);
·Make a donation to a charity in the name of your loved one;
·Write a poem or letter to your loved one that you can choose to share with others;
·Volunteer (i.e., offer your services to the church, a homeless shelter, a soup kitchen, etc.) in memory of a loved one;
·Make something in memory of your loved one to be donated (i.e., knit a blanket and donate it to the homeless shelter); and
·Select a Bible passage you can read and memorize in memory of your loved one; and
·Adopt a family for Christmas.
These are just a few ideas, however when you allow yourself to be creative it is possible to come up with a longer and more extensive list.
While nothing can truly fill the void of having lost someone you love, life continues to have meaning and purpose.Through the grace given by our almighty Father, we do not have to fear the future.In fact, we can embrace it knowing that the Lord provides comfort to all who struggle.And as a result, we can recuperate from our loss, fondly remember our loved one, reset our thinking and mindset, rebuild our life, and restore our personal identity and sense of purpose through the power and presenceof the Holy Spirit!
