The Desire for Acceptance

            Wanting to be accepted by others is a phenomenon that is not limited to any age group. It spans the entire life cycle. However, for teens, it can be a matter of social life and death. The social landscape in both middle schools and high schools consists of having certain “cliques” or groups of students who associate with each other based on certain characteristics, ideas, activities, etc. There is a hierarchical structure to these cliques that is measured by popularity and the concept of peer pressure can surface in any type of clique regardless of where it ranks in the structure. For teens, to be part of a more popular clique can be a matter of status. Obviously hanging out with a certain group of people who are quite popular has its social benefits. A teen who wants to become a member of a particular clique may be susceptible to peer pressure because they might go to great lengths just to join and perhaps even greater lengths to maintain their place within the clique once they have gotten in. Even those who have been a part of a certain clique for an extended period of time find themselves trying to please their fellow peers just to prove their worthiness to the clique.

Peer pressure can be extremely detrimental at this point because the status of belonging to a certain clique or social group is something that a teenager is often unwilling to give up. This phenomenon can also be applied to gang culture. Consider the plight of a teenager who desperately wants to be a gang member and is willing to commit heinous crimes to prove themselves. Similar to the clique, once the teenager is officially a gang member he or she will many times cave into pressure from fellow gang members to continue to commit crimes regardless of how they feel on the matter. When one wants to fit in to any social group they will adapt to the group’s rules and regulations and follow the ideology of the group and many times without so much as questioning it at all. Teenagers will dress a certain way, associate with certain people, listen to a particular type of music, hang out at certain places, and give up old friends just to be a part of a group. Many times if they are to question these things they will find themselves under attack and questioned by other group members.

In essence, their identity becomes contingent upon what fellow group members think of them and with this being the case, it is easy to see how peer pressure can cause them to do things that they may not have otherwise done in their lives. The desire to fit in for a teenager is very strong because isolation is the bane of teenage existence. Popularity aside, teenagers want to be able to associate with others to avoid being alone. This makes them quite prone to the dangers of peer pressure. Not having any group of friends is almost like being in exile for a teenager. A teen who is at the risk of not having any friends will try very hard to please others in order to be accepted. There are even times when this teen’s peers will remind him or her of the specter of not having any friends to convince them to conform. It is a very difficult situation because the teenager finds themselves in the position of having to choose to act a certain way just to belong or to be alone. No teenager wants to find themselves in this position but it is quite common.

There are ways to deal with this type of scenario. First of all, it is important to help the teen understand that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are and those who are unwilling to do so aren’t worth the trouble of being around. One needn’t have to prove themselves to other people just to feel wanted. Teens are put in this position all the time and it can be very tiring for them. They need to know that real friendships don’t require constant effort and that they shouldn’t have to give in to the demands or requests of friends just to maintain the friendship. Quite the contrary, teens should be taught that real friends should accept them the way they are and respect the decisions they make. Real friends will not put you to the test all the time and question your loyalty the moment you disagree with something. It’s also important for teenagers to become familiar with the fact that people who pressure them into acting or thinking in certain ways are not the type of people they should want to be around. It requires too much effort.

The key here is to point out the advantages and disadvantages of associating with certain people. A teen needs to be aware that he or she may be cheating themselves out of a more comfortable situation with others by conforming just to fit in with a certain group of people. The teen should be aware of the risk of losing their individuality for the sake of belonging as well. It is important to help the teenager realize that he or she is a unique individual that doesn’t need to forfeit that uniqueness just to please others. Instead of becoming friends with a certain group of people to attain status they should be taught to be more selective of whom they associate with based on what will make them feel most comfortable. It must be emphasized that belonging to a certain group isn’t as important as it may seem at the time. Sure there is the issue of status and popularity but the real lesson that teenagers must be taught is that those things really aren’t that important at the end of the day. The most important thing is that they feel comfortable enough within their own skin to realize that they don’t need to be a part of a certain group just to feel validated.